The What If's?

Patrick comes in 3 days, I am 37 weeks along, 3 weeks (give or take) to go and there are dozens of questions rolling around in this hormonally affected brain of mine about being a mom, about what our baby will be like, about the future of our family, about Canada and Africa and where to put down roots and about never ever leaving my husband's side for this long again, no matter how desperate our state.

I keep recalling one step of Ang Tulay (The Bridge) which is FEARS and WORRIES and the painting we put up of a girl, wringing her hands, deep in thought, wondering "WHAT IF." That's me. I am full of "what if's."

At that step, we asked children to write down their fears and worries on a piece of paper, then they could share with the group if they wanted, and finally, we went together as a group to burn them after releasing them to God.

To end off the session, we asked the children to write their hopes and dreams on a bookmark that they could keep and reflect back on. It was simple, but profound for them, and for us adults who went through the steps ourselves.

I think I need to revisit this step of the bridge myself. Yes, I think I do.

Finally Moving!

Wow, it's been a while since I wrote a post here. Actually, it feels like I've been holding my breath for the past 5 months and it has been hard to concentrate on anything other than, will my husband be here for the birth of our child? It has been a difficult road, being separated like this in such a vulnerable time. But I have had such an incredible support network of friends and family. I am so thankful for them!

GOOD NEWS! We just found out on Monday Patrick was indeed granted the visitor visa and he will be arriving the beginning of July! Phew...I can now let out a sigh of sweet relief! I know he will be by my side for this momentous occasion.

Now begins the real work of preparation. Preparing for Patrick's arrival, for baby's arrival, preparing to be parents!! I am so excited, nervous, anxious.

A lot of people have been asking us what next also. We honestly don't have an answer yet. I know, it seems odd that we could wait so long to make decisions about our future, but that's kind of how we operate, and I'm ok with that. When we're ready, we'll make the big decisions about where to be in the immediate future, with Uganda and Africa still at the centre of our hearts.

Wow, it feels good to be moving forward after this long, arduous waiting time. Kind of like filling your lungs with fresh air after travelling in an airplane for 2 days. It's almost intoxicating!

Step, step, step...breathe...

30 Weeks

An Entry From Patrick

A piece my husband wrote about the recent clashes with citizens and the government in Uganda

CONTRADICTIONS WITH OUR PRESIDENT

It's hardly two months since our all wise President, Mr. Museveni, was in the media criticizing the US, Canada, UK, France, etal for militarily intervening in Libya. According to our President, the west should have engaged in dialogue with the embattled Libyan leader, Ghadafi. He reasoned that the west was being simplistic in addressing the situation in Libya and were using the approach of 'might is right' that is wrong according to him.

For about two weeks now, several Ugandans have mobilized for walk to work protests in protest of skyrocketing fuel and food prices in the country. Currently, fuel and food prices have doubled and beyond and inflation has doubled from 6% in February 2011 to above 11% this month. All this resulted from corruption, careless Government spending on activities that are not people oriented such as the recent expenditure of over 740 million US dollars to buy fighter jets from Russia God knows to fight who!, financing activities meant to develop the stomachs and cheeks of the ruling individuals and their relatives, emptying of the national treasury to finance the recent elections (vote buying), high taxation and to a small extent the global economic factors.

Many Ugandans can hardly now afford a meal and other basic essentials hence the attempt to walk to work in protest of the economic situation in the hope to draw Government's attention to their suffering. Our 'wise' President's response has been tear gassing, beating up, shooting and arresting of people participating peacefully in the walk to work protests. So far 4 people are confirmed dead and over 47 injured from gun shots, while close to 300 have been arrested and jailed for attempting to walk to work.

I am left wondering why the contradiction. I thought in the wisdom of our president he would have engaged the nation in dialogue instead of the 'Might is right' approach he criticized the west for.

A while ago, I remember watching a video of the swearing in ceremony of our President in 1986 when he had just taken power, of course by the gun. Our dear president was on record for saying, 'the problem with African leaders is overstaying in power' and that he was ushering in a new era, 'a fundamental change.' We are now in the 25th year of Museveni's presidency and will be in the 30th year come 2016. This follows several manipulations of the constitution to extend his stay in power, stolen and sham elections. What became of the promised fundamental change?

In the early days of his presidency, the good president openly criticized the previous governments for being extravagant with tax payer's money and non responsive to needs of Ugandans. A while a go, among many examples, the president sent one of his daughters to give birth in Germany in a presidential jet, costing the tax payer several millions. For the size of our economy, that was quite a pinch. Interestingly, that money could have improved facilities in any of our rotten hospitals to the comfort of the first daughter and would be available to serve many other Ugandan mothers that keep dying or cheating death (for the lucky) due to inadequacies in our maternity services.

What happened to the big heart, the heart for the nation.

I see many contradictions in our President, what happened? Who is this man? I am tempted to think, if Museveni of back then, by any chance happened to meet Museveni of today, he would beat the hell out of this one, that's only of course if the former Museveni was not fooling Ugandans about his character.

'War Dance'

It took me about 2 weeks to actually finish this documentary. I watched the first half and had to stop, it was too much. I finally finished it tonight. It ended on a much more positive note, not that my comfort should matter in this case. Oh God! I don't know. Lately I don't know what I should be writing here. I feel so mixed up. I listen to these kids stories, I cry. I wish I could wrap my arms around all of them.

The children in this film are from a place called Pader in Northern Uganda. They are from a tribe called Acholi. Some of my fellow staff members who I worked with at YWAM Arua, were Acholi. One close friend of mine, told me her story of being abducted by the LRA and how she escaped.

Our Ang Tulay team from the Philippines went to Pader in 2006, long before I had even met them, to meet with the youth. They could only manage to just start the healing process before realizing these youth were so traumatized, they needed to proceed with caution. As it was only a short visit, they decided not to proceed with any more of the process at that point until there could be more resources and people trained to walk with them.

When I participated in my first Ang Tulay, two staff members from one of the schools in Pader were part of my small group. It was intense. Even these adults, had not yet processed the grief and trauma of growing up themselves in a war zone.

I was meant to go to Pader with a group of young adults in 2009. I really wanted to go, but felt I needed to stay back to organize the closing of the three week camp they were part of. Interestingly enough, that's when Patrick and I met and hit it off and began our journey. Had I not met and fallen for Patrick, I might never have returned to Uganda. I was ready to quit Uganda for good. Huh...guess God had other plans...

So, that's the teeny tiny way my life has interacted with the lives of Northern Ugandans. So, I keep wondering...yah, I just keep wondering...

And look at how music, dance, the ARTS bring healing! It is beautiful and profound and I want to continue to walk that path with people. Hell, I want to walk that path with myself!

"15 Minutes Away"

This song makes me think of me and Patrick right now trying to make ends meet across oceans. Love K'naan's music and what he writes about!

21 Weeks

I haven't really documented this particular pregnancy journey so far..well, here's a few things from the past couple days...

Heightened sense of smell: as in, I can smell the guy who didn't wash his hair sitting next to me or the guy who had lots of green beer today...ugh!

Hot flashes: almost died today on the packed bus ride to work! I am usually always the cold one!

Centre of gravity changing, clumsiness etc: Yes, that was me who tried to squeeze past the wall and a stantion at work today totally forgetting about the protruding stomach I have.  I am also frequently dropping things like, keys or my half a bagel!

Oh yah, speaking of lunch, is this baby having a sudden growth spurt? I am ravenous and must eat every 2 hours at least!

And then there are the moments I feel baby moving. Nothing so substantial as a kick, but those flutters and waves bring me right to the centre of everything in a moment. My baby. Wow! I love that I first felt baby move when I was walking through the West Africa gallery at work.

And I love my growing tummy. I love to stroke it and talk to baby, feeling our bond growing with every day that passes.

I dream of who baby will be, how Patrick and I will parent baby, what baby will teach us!

I've heard mother's talk of 'falling in love' with their babies. I am only now beginning to understand what they mean.

Cuz I am falling in love!

January Update Letter

OKIRING JANUARY UPDATE

Hello all from Calgary, Canada. Thought I'd update you on the last 2 months as there has been a lot going on.

First of all, I usually like to save the best news for last, but in this case it needs to be the headline!

We are very excited to announce that our family of two will soon be three! We are expecting our firstborn at the end of July!! This was the other major factor in the decision to return back to Canada. We both want the baby to be born here. I am now 14 weeks along and feeling very good. It feels great to let you in on the news at last!

Now for the rest...About Patrick's Grandmum, the woman who raised him and is very special to both of us!

In early December, Patrick's grandmother complained of severe pain so we brought her to Kampala for treatment. It was there they discovered she had kidney stones. She was quite badly off as she was unable to keep anything down and became severely dehydrated. She was admitted to hospital for a few days where they were able to give her pain medication and restore her fluids. During that time, one of us had to stay with her at the hospital each night she was there. First me, then Patrick, then Patrick's mother came to town and stayed a night. So Grandmum was very cared for. As she had passed one of the stones, she was able to be discharged until we could make a plan to remove the other stones still in the kidney and urethra.

Thankfully, she was feeling good enough to attend the wedding of Patrick's sister, Angela. So, we all celebrated in true Ugandan style! Lots of ululating and dancing! :)

Knowing that Grandmum was homesick for the village we all planned to go back for Christmas. We found out that a urologist from Nairobi, Kenya, comes once a month with equipment to blast the kidney stones so we decided she would be ok until then. She left early and we joined everyone on Christmas Eve. We brought Christmas lights and strung them up on the veranda and made it very festive. We ate lots of food, smoked beef, chicken, roasted pork, matooke (boiled or steamed green banana), rice, atape (millet bread) and of course soda! Fanta and Coke being the most popular!

They even brought out Grandmum's local brew to enjoy, millet beer!

We travelled back to Kampala on the 27th (my birthday and my sister's too!), so that I could prepare to travel and have quality time with Patrick before leaving for Canada. We had birthday dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and then I bought a HUGE slice of chocolate cake from the I (Love) New York Kitchen.

The evening I was to leave, I was surprised by a dozen or so relatives, including Patrick's Aunt Jane who flew from the UK for a surprise visit,  who escorted us all the way to Entebbe to see me off. We first stopped to eat roasted fish on the beach and then travelled together to the airport. I wish I had a picture of all of them but in all the rush I never got my camera out. :(

Saying good-bye to Patrick was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It was a long, lonely flight. I was happy to finally see my friends, the Amos family, who picked me up from the airport. I had a hot bath, and went with them to enjoy New Year's Eve at another friend's place, the Elders. I didn't make it past 8pm. They let me crash in their guest bedroom and crash I did! The next day, my mom picked me up and I spent a few wonderful days catching up with her.

So, I have settled in quite quickly. I kind of had to as I began work less than a week after I'd arrived! Everyone has been so amazing! Friends, family, co-workers. I am so grateful for you all! Thank GOD for the Scott family who has put me up again in their guest room and made me part of their family.

Thank GOD also for Skype. I have been able to see and talk to Patrick on the computer for free which is much more than we've had before.

We are now working on a plan to either get Patrick here on a visa to work temporarily or at the very least, to come on a visitor's visa to be present for the birth.

An update on Grandmum's situation: The doctor who comes once a month to Kampala said their equipment was not sufficient for the size of her stones and she will need to be treated in Nairobi. This means airfare and hotel stay for Patrick, his grandmum and an escort as well as the cost of treatment. I am grateful I came back when I did to work but please pray we can sort out the finances between the various family members so as to get Grandmum the proper treatment she needs.

If you are so inclined, please pray for us:

-Pray for Patrick's grandmum and her health
-Pray that Patrick does not get overwhelmed but has support from friends and family around him
-Pray for the health of our unborn child and myself
-Pray for us to have favour with Canadian immigration when it comes to visas
-Pray for us to get direction on the future ministry we long to do in Uganda and the means to make it happen

Thank you all for your continued interest in the journey we are taking to make a difference in the Ugandan communities we are part of. We couldn't do it without your support.

Much love,
Nicole, Patrick and Baby